You’re not next to me but you’re with me.
I know that, I swear I do.
It’s a Saturday night isolated but I know I’m not alone. I know I’m loved. Especially by you.
Despite this, I can no longer focus on whatever I put on the TV that I thought would distract me enough. I look down to that grid. I’m scanning the grid knowing you wont be there. My brain and my heart are telling me to stop looking but as if by some phantom habit, my body now moves on it’s own.
This search also turns up nothing.
I don’t feel relieved.
I feel empty,
I feel dark,
I feel uncomfortable.
My eyes close, I reset and open up to find the grid is gone.
I’m pacified for now but I know I have to be stronger next time, I know I can’t go on like this.
I’m praying for strength and most of all I’m praying for faith.
Scared to love, scared to be loved.
I’m scared of closing my eyes and I’m scared of speaking up.
I’m scared of making an impression, scared of being forgotten.
Scared that I’m doing it all wrong.
Scared to be the first, scared to be the last.
Scared of permanence and scared of being vulnerable.
Scared that this is it and that nothing will change.
I’m scared that I’m silly and scared to look you in the eye.
I’m scared of being left behind.
Scared that everyone rolls their eyes when I leave the room.
Scared that I have made some terrible mistake and there is no going back.
I’m scared that no one is listening.
I’m scared that everything will change.
Scared to disappoint and scared to impress.
Scared of being admired and scared of being hated.
I’m scared of what I see staring back at me when I look in the mirror.
I’m scared that I’ll be found out.
I’m just scared.