This unseen enemy is wearing me down,
Eating away at the corners of my colourful dreams little by little like silverfish at paper.
At first I didn’t even notice and I felt like it was no match for me. I danced around it confidently thinking I was to win but here’s the thing, the whole time it laughed at me and I simply could not see.
Now my dreams are fast fading and my world is looking grey. I’m cold and alone while others dance and play.
I’m shut in and it feels like so many things have been taken away.
You’re not next to me but you’re with me.
I know that, I swear I do.
It’s a Saturday night isolated but I know I’m not alone. I know I’m loved. Especially by you.
Despite this, I can no longer focus on whatever I put on the TV that I thought would distract me enough. I look down to that grid. I’m scanning the grid knowing you wont be there. My brain and my heart are telling me to stop looking but as if by some phantom habit, my body now moves on it’s own.
This search also turns up nothing.
I don’t feel relieved.
I feel empty,
I feel dark,
I feel uncomfortable.
My eyes close, I reset and open up to find the grid is gone.
I’m pacified for now but I know I have to be stronger next time, I know I can’t go on like this.
I’m praying for strength and most of all I’m praying for faith.
Scared to love, scared to be loved.
I’m scared of closing my eyes and I’m scared of speaking up.
I’m scared of making an impression, scared of being forgotten.
Scared that I’m doing it all wrong.
Scared to be the first, scared to be the last.
Scared of permanence and scared of being vulnerable.
Scared that this is it and that nothing will change.
I’m scared that I’m silly and scared to look you in the eye.
I’m scared of being left behind.
Scared that everyone rolls their eyes when I leave the room.
Scared that I have made some terrible mistake and there is no going back.
I’m scared that no one is listening.
I’m scared that everything will change.
Scared to disappoint and scared to impress.
Scared of being admired and scared of being hated.
I’m scared of what I see staring back at me when I look in the mirror.
I’m scared that I’ll be found out.
I’m just scared.