Play that music louder

Play that music louder, お願い

All this time I wanted to dance and smile again, not just with my mouth, but with my eyes, heart and soul.

何この気持ち?

It reminded me that I still have something in me I thought I had lost.

In a sweaty pounding room filled with bodies moving to a beat, I look around and find faces of kindness where I used to see suspicion.

隣の鏡で I see my reflection smiling back at me, then leaning forward to tell me: keep going.

But things shake and rumble.

What do they call it again? 波瀾万丈

Because that’s life, and we have to ride the storm.

It will never be easy.

The timing will never be right.

それぐらいわかってほしい

But it isn’t my place.

Despite all that, 今も言えないまま後悔

だけど近くにいて応援する

Hey DJ, play that music harder, お願い

But I look down again and I’m reminded that it’s over.

いつもいいとこで終わる

The floor clears out.

The lights have turned on.

時間が経つと things change.

Everything looks different in the light when the dust has settled.

ありがとう

Movement / 動き出す

Tonight the world looks familiar but it does not feel the same.

The streets are where I left them. The buildings still hold their shape. The same lamps buzz above the cracks on the footpath I know by heart. But something shifted and now everything has changed. 

I wobble in the middle of it.

There is a part of me that wants to turn back. Back to what I knew. Back to the rooms I memorised so well I could move through them in the dark. Back to the old comforts even if they were small, even if they asked me to shrink beside them.

But when I really look behind me, the path begins to distort.

What exactly am I longing for?

Was it safety or simply familiarity wearing the mask of safety?

I can almost see it now for what it was: a song drifting from another street, beautiful and enchanting enough to follow. But that song was not for me. 

Looking ahead asks something harder of me.

The future does not arrive with guarantees. It does not kneel beside me and explain itself. Even now, with a clearer gaze than I have ever had, I cannot fully tell what is promise and what is projection. Some horizons glow beautifully because they are real. Others glow only because they borrow reflected light from around them, nothing of their own. 

So I stand in the tension of that.

I want guidance. I want a voice from somewhere wiser than me to call out across the platform and tell me which train to board, which road to walk, which love to choose, which self to become.

But the station glass offers only my reflection.

And there I am.

Not finished.

Not certain.

Not rescued.

But here.

I laugh at the absurdity of it. I smile at the tenderness of it. I could cry for all that has fallen away and all that has not yet arrived.

Then somewhere in the distance, something opens.

Not a miracle.

Not a map.

Just a way forward.

No guarantees. 

I take a breath out.

And with whatever grace I can gather, I waltz into the unknown.

Briefly, everything softens

There are moments lately where things shift.

Nothing dramatic. No announcement.

Just a small softening as if the world has loosened its grip for a minute.

You don’t notice it at first.

But by the time you do, you’re already inside it.

Music

We walk out from book club into the night. One of the last warm evenings in early autumn.

“It feels like a summer evening,” you say.

But it’s not. There’s something thinner in the air. Something already fading. 

The city is busy for a Tuesday night. As we head towards the station, music drifts toward us. Faint at first, then clearer.

I have my arm around yours while you tap your cane along the bluestone footpath. We’re not in any rush.

You stop.

“Where’s that music coming from?”

I look ahead. A man with a keyboard is set up in front of the State Library steps.

“He’s just over in front of the State Library. About a hundred metres from where we are standing.”

You tilt your head slightly, placing it.

“Do you think we could listen for a bit?”

“Of course.”

We make our way over slowly. There are only a couple of people standing around listening to him. 

We stop.

Your hands rest over the top of your cane, your chin resting on your hands. Still. Listening.

The music carries through the air, soft, steady, like it’s holding everything together for a moment.

I watch the city move around us. People passing, night lights sparkling through the trees, everything shifting.

And then I look back at you.

You’re completely still in the middle of it. Listening. Seeing it in a way that I can’t see. 

And it hits me all at once. How much is here right now, and how quickly it passes. How we’re both in it, but not in the same way. How this won’t last.

My chest tightens. My eyes fill before I can stop it.

I don’t say anything. I just stand there beside you.

After a while, you lift your head.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Just like that.

We turn, and the music fades behind us.

I start describing things passing us by as we walk. We talk about life. We catch the train.

Happy 

It’s that point in the night where everything has softened.

The room is thick with heat. Bodies pressed together, music running through the floor. We lean in close, mouths near ears, saying things we wouldn’t say anywhere else.

We haven’t spoken properly in a while.

Our foreheads touch before we pull into each other.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“Yeah, good. How about you?”

A pause.

“Are you happy?”

I almost answer straight away.

Then I stop.

The room keeps moving around us. There’s more I could say, but none of it belongs here.

“Yeah,” I say.

A beat.

“I am.”

He nods, like that’s enough.

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“I was in a dark place,” he says. “But I’m getting better now.”

I pull him in a little tighter.

“I’m glad. You know I’m always here for you.”

“Thank you.”

We hold it for a second longer than we need to, then let go.

Just like that, it’s done.

He disappears back into the crowd. The music closes in again.

But something has settled.

I stand there for a moment, then smile to myself, lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.