Life

Play that music louder

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Play that music louder, お願い

All this time I wanted to dance and smile again, not just with my mouth, but with my eyes, heart and soul.

何この気持ち？

It reminded me that I still have something in me I thought I had lost.

In a sweaty pounding room filled with bodies moving to a beat, I look around and find faces of kindness where I used to see suspicion.

隣の鏡で I see my reflection smiling back at me, then leaning forward to tell me: keep going.

But things shake and rumble.

What do they call it again? 波瀾万丈

Because that’s life, and we have to ride the storm.

It will never be easy.

The timing will never be right.

それぐらいわかってほしい

But it isn’t my place.

Despite all that, 今も言えないまま後悔

だけど近くにいて応援する

Hey DJ, play that music harder, お願い

But I look down again and I’m reminded that it’s over.

いつもいいとこで終わる

The floor clears out.

The lights have turned on.

時間が経つと things change.

Everything looks different in the light when the dust has settled.

ありがとう

Movement / 動き出す

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Tonight the world looks familiar but it does not feel the same.

The streets are where I left them. The buildings still hold their shape. The same lamps buzz above the cracks on the footpath I know by heart. But something shifted and now everything has changed. 

I wobble in the middle of it.

There is a part of me that wants to turn back. Back to what I knew. Back to the rooms I memorised so well I could move through them in the dark. Back to the old comforts even if they were small, even if they asked me to shrink beside them.

But when I really look behind me, the path begins to distort.

What exactly am I longing for?

Was it safety or simply familiarity wearing the mask of safety?

I can almost see it now for what it was: a song drifting from another street, beautiful and enchanting enough to follow. But that song was not for me. 

Looking ahead asks something harder of me.

The future does not arrive with guarantees. It does not kneel beside me and explain itself. Even now, with a clearer gaze than I have ever had, I cannot fully tell what is promise and what is projection. Some horizons glow beautifully because they are real. Others glow only because they borrow reflected light from around them, nothing of their own. 

So I stand in the tension of that.

I want guidance. I want a voice from somewhere wiser than me to call out across the platform and tell me which train to board, which road to walk, which love to choose, which self to become.

But the station glass offers only my reflection.

And there I am.

Not finished.

Not certain.

Not rescued.

But here.

I laugh at the absurdity of it. I smile at the tenderness of it. I could cry for all that has fallen away and all that has not yet arrived.

Then somewhere in the distance, something opens.

Not a miracle.

Not a map.

Just a way forward.

No guarantees. 

I take a breath out.

And with whatever grace I can gather, I waltz into the unknown.

Briefly, everything softens

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There are moments lately where things shift.

Nothing dramatic. No announcement.

Just a small softening as if the world has loosened its grip for a minute.

You don’t notice it at first.

But by the time you do, you’re already inside it.

Music

We walk out from book club into the night. One of the last warm evenings in early autumn.

“It feels like a summer evening,” you say.

But it’s not. There’s something thinner in the air. Something already fading. 

The city is busy for a Tuesday night. As we head towards the station, music drifts toward us. Faint at first, then clearer.

I have my arm around yours while you tap your cane along the bluestone footpath. We’re not in any rush.

You stop.

“Where’s that music coming from?”

I look ahead. A man with a keyboard is set up in front of the State Library steps.

“He’s just over in front of the State Library. About a hundred metres from where we are standing.”

You tilt your head slightly, placing it.

“Do you think we could listen for a bit?”

“Of course.”

We make our way over slowly. There are only a couple of people standing around listening to him. 

We stop.

Your hands rest over the top of your cane, your chin resting on your hands. Still. Listening.

The music carries through the air, soft, steady, like it’s holding everything together for a moment.

I watch the city move around us. People passing, night lights sparkling through the trees, everything shifting.

And then I look back at you.

You’re completely still in the middle of it. Listening. Seeing it in a way that I can’t see. 

And it hits me all at once. How much is here right now, and how quickly it passes. How we’re both in it, but not in the same way. How this won’t last.

My chest tightens. My eyes fill before I can stop it.

I don’t say anything. I just stand there beside you.

After a while, you lift your head.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Just like that.

We turn, and the music fades behind us.

I start describing things passing us by as we walk. We talk about life. We catch the train.

Happy 

It’s that point in the night where everything has softened.

The room is thick with heat. Bodies pressed together, music running through the floor. We lean in close, mouths near ears, saying things we wouldn’t say anywhere else.

We haven’t spoken properly in a while.

Our foreheads touch before we pull into each other.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“Yeah, good. How about you?”

A pause.

“Are you happy?”

I almost answer straight away.

Then I stop.

The room keeps moving around us. There’s more I could say, but none of it belongs here.

“Yeah,” I say.

A beat.

“I am.”

He nods, like that’s enough.

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“I was in a dark place,” he says. “But I’m getting better now.”

I pull him in a little tighter.

“I’m glad. You know I’m always here for you.”

“Thank you.”

We hold it for a second longer than we need to, then let go.

Just like that, it’s done.

He disappears back into the crowd. The music closes in again.

But something has settled.

I stand there for a moment, then smile to myself, lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.

Dark Train / Light Train

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It’s 6:58, and a train is approaching slowly. It won’t stop at my station or any others. There is no announcement, but it is coming my way. There are no lights on; there probably isn’t even a driver. It just keeps going until it reaches something that it can’t push out of the way. There really isn’t much that can stop it.

As the train passes me, I am forced to see every part of it, hear every screech and thud. I watch it slowly disappear into the darkness and out of my view completely.

I feel a sense of hopelessness wash over me. There is no one else at the station, so I cry a bit. I think about the phone call I received today from the sexual crimes detective assigned to my case. It was not the news I wanted to hear, but deep down, it is the news I knew I would receive. I cry some more.

My mind wanders, and I think about how sweaty I got at the gym before. I couldn’t figure out why. I never usually get that sweaty.

Now I hear the announcement, and my train is coming. It’s approaching, and it’s full of light. I wipe my eyes and get ready to board.

Messages I never sent, thoughts I didn’t share

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I had a dream about you last night. In the dream, I was walking down the street nearby my place and I noticed you on the roof of one of the shops, you were beaming down at me. I called out to you but you said nothing and just kept smiling. You then jumped to the next roof and danced like a ballerina. I was scared you might fall but you didn’t.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay x

The other day when we were dancing, I thought you said something like, “I don’t know what happened to us but I want to fix it.” All I could manage to say back was, “Okay.” I had so much more I wanted to say but I couldn’t.

You looked really sad about something last night. I know you don’t want to talk about it-

Everything we do is intentional whether we admit to it or not.

Sometimes I wish I could be part of the group photos.

2024 has been my come down from 2023.

Nothing annoys me more than people telling me how busy they think I am.

My favourite part of the morning is when I’ve just finished the gym and I’m walking to go get my coffee. Everything is so quiet, I love the smell of the air and everything is so clear.

I think about the fact that whenever I go out, I see so many faces I know and love. I also know that this won’t be forever because everything changes. Everything is always changing. That’s what makes life so special. The boring bits like this are the best part.

I miss the way you used to be. I know I’m not meant to say it.

But I know that you are more you now than you were before so it’s a good thing. I don’t know what I’m even trying to say. Actually, I think this is more about me than it is you. I’m not going to send this.

2022 reflections

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There is so much to say about this year. It has been hard, maybe harder than ever. Do we say that every year? I think so.

Naively, I had so much hope for 2022 after nearly two years of lockdowns and what I perceived to be lost time. I was wrong because time was not lost at all. The passage of time is a funny thing. During those lockdowns, time was flowing, and we were all changing.

It isn’t all bad. There have been some great things in the year and I’m grateful for even the smallest win or glimmer of hope.

Recently, I have been comparing a lot of things in life to fitness. You have to work at it, it isn’t always fun or flattering and the most important results are not visible to the eye.

I’ve found a sense of community where I work out. From being someone who hated sport and physical activity in high school because of the way my sports teacher treated those of us who didn’t fit in, I now run towards the challenge, power and confidence that working out gives me.

The main theme of this post is to do with the passage of time. It is possibly one of the most emotional and difficult things to come to terms with, for me anyway. We cannot change it, we cannot reverse it. I am still learning to surrender to the passage of time and for me that is a work in progress.

What have I learned or experienced so far this year?

Don’t assume that your friendships or any kind of relationship will remain constant. Any relationship is constant work – I don’t subscribe to the notion that relationships are effortless. I get the concept, but I don’t agree that it requires no effort. Everything needs work and effort, it just comes down to what you think is worthy of your time, work and effort. I was introduced to the term fair-weather friend. These are the friends who are with you when it is easy to be with you but disappear when you start having issues. These are people who lack accountability and do not follow through, particularly when it is of no tangible benefit to them.

Related to the above, keep yourself open to meeting new people always. I’ve had people ask me why I feel the need to meet new people all the time. Aren’t you happy with your friends?! To which I would say, well, if I took that approach then we probably would not have met.

By keeping myself open, I have made new friends this year who have had all kinds of wonderful impacts on me. It brings a smile to my face when I think of how lucky I am to have met these people.

This year I finally confronted in a very real way that I was a victim of rape seventeen years ago. It was so difficult for me to say that I could not even fathom typing the previous sentence up until this point. After extensive therapy and some time, I finally had the courage to report this to the police and going through that process has been really challenging for me. While it is still difficult for me to talk about openly, I am slowly moving to a place where I can. It took me this long to realise how much that event impacted me, my emotional and sexual relationships. I am on the journey to heal and grow stronger, this will take time and effort. I am grateful that my close friends, family and community supported me through this time (and continue to do so).

I have learned to be more vulnerable this year. I used to think that showing my weakness would make me undesirable as a person but this was quite the opposite. Putting up walls has alienated me from people in the past. This year has been a big step towards bringing those walls down and being more vulnerable with people as they are with me.

Dating has been absolutely hilarious and overwhelmingly crap. No surprises here but always a fun one. From the highs of January to getting banned on Tinder and Hinge, it has been a ride. The way people present themselves to the world and the bizarre ways they treat people privately is…an interesting contrast. You betcha you are a story I’m telling to people, makes for great dinner conversation. What I will say though, is that I have made more friends off dating apps than I have had successful dates. That is not a bad outcome at all. While I pretty much stopped going on dates about two months ago, it has been a nice break and allowed me to throw myself into doing more things I love.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to fall in love but it is also not a requirement for me. I will meet people and explore the opportunity but I will not force it. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you feel like you are fading as an individual. I want someone who challenges me, makes me grow and compliments me while I do the same for them. I am not looking for someone to complete me.

With that said, living alone is hard work. You need to work to be active in all components of your life because it is far too easy to fall into isolation.

I have no idea what 2023 is going to bring for me but as always, I’m hopeful and excited. That’s all from me for now.

Masks

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It’s a funny thing to reflect on the past. People say you shouldn’t dwell too much on it and I agree with that, but it’s good to reflect
so we can think about the present and what might lie ahead of us. When I’m reflecting, there is a quote from Maya Angelou that I always come back to. She said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I wonder how many of us think deeply think about the consequences of our actions and words. It’s very easy to justify why you can’t have a difficult (but necessary) conversation with someone, why it’s easier and okay to completely ignore someone – it’s easy because we all do it. We are all guilty of it.

Controversially, in the name of self-care we even sometimes attempt to justify hurtful behaviour. I would argue though, that this is not self-care because you are not only doing long term damage to people around you, but also to yourself.

Self-care to me doesn’t mean something is easy and instantly makes me happy.
Self-care can painful, awkward, and sometimes does not produce instant results.

Under the mask of anonymity or away from the potential judgment of those we love and respect, it is interesting to see how people’s behaviour and treatment of others can change.

There was a recent experience I had where I met someone briefly via some mutual, close friends and they seemed like a friendly and outgoing person during our brief interaction. A few days later, I had an online experience with this person that was completely the opposite. I felt horrible. My mind instantly went to self-blame and what I must have done wrong. Surely, my friends would not have those kinds of people around them. Again, I burrowed into blaming myself but eventually, in the name of self-preservation I concluded that this person was just rude.

Of course, it doesn’t end there because I’m an overthinker. I asked myself, had I behaved in a similar way towards others in the past? I didn’t want to admit it, but the answer was yes. I had also been the rude or cold person at different points in my life. I probably wouldn’t even be able to say why I behaved that way. I wonder how I made them feel and if they still remember how I made them feel.

So then why do we do it? Why do we sometimes behave badly when no one we know is looking? I don’t know. Maybe we all have different reasons. Sometimes I think I did it out of fear but I don’t know if that was the reason every time.

If we wear masks, are we just changing our masks? I don’t want to believe that those times I haven’t treated people well is my true self. I genuinely don’t believe that is my true self and I’m sure it isn’t other people’s true self either. I would like to think that was some other mask I put on at the time that I probably shouldn’t be wearing again going forward.

Again, in the name of self-preservation I think about this in the context of an increasingly socially connected world. That mask I might have worn in the past (more than I’d like to admit) needs to go away. I might have people confront me about my shitty behaviour in the past and I need to own that. Likewise, others may need to think about this possibility for them.

What makes me think that people still remember the way I made them feel? Because I remember the way people have made me feel. If I were to describe some of the ways people have made me feel (negatively), I would say the main ones are invisible, dirty, unimportant, and forgettable. I wonder what words people would use to describe the ways I have made them feel (negatively).

To date, I have had a few conversations with people who I didn’t treat well, and I count myself lucky that they gave me the time of day. It wasn’t about making excuses or making someone accept my apology. Sometimes it was as simple as, “I was a shit and was really rude to you. I don’t know why I did it, but it was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Likewise, my door is always open, and I will hear people out who treated me poorly if they want to own their behaviour. Some people have and I really admire their courage in doing that.

To finish off, just yesterday, I was having a great chat with these two amazing women who run a cafe nearby home and one of them said, “You know, we live in a pretty unforgiving and cruel world sometimes. It doesn’t hurt to be good to those around us.” We could all agree on that.

It’s important to understand that the world can be a genuinely isolating and shitty place, the least we can do is try and make it a little less that way by treating people around us with more kindness even if we don’t think we’re going to see them again.

Anyway, that’s all from me today.

Unwarranted dating advice and other reflections

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Everyone is an expert on relationships and dating. Whether they’re single (by choice or otherwise), in a relationship (happy or otherwise) or dating just like you, everyone is an expert.

Here is a list of some of the advice, reflections (by no means exhaustive) that people share with me on a regular basis:

  • If you are looking for a relationship you won’t find one.
  • Put yourself out there.
  • Don’t hook up.
  • If you sleep with them too soon they will lose interest.
  • Don’t go on too many dates.
  • We met once overseas and were long distance for two years. He’s the love of my life.
  • Make sure you don’t appear desperate.
  • You cannot be looking for love, once you stop looking it will just come. It’s so easy.
  • There are plenty of others out there.
  • We started off a fuck buddies and now we’re married.
  • I told him we were just friends and after a year I realised he was what I was looking for.
  • Long distance never works.
  • I rushed in because he seemed like the right choice and ticked all the boxes but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t what I needed.
  • Hooking up is fine.
  • I had zero interest in going on a date with this person at first. But after a few times hanging out I realised there was something special.
  • Don’t use dating apps, meeting people from real life is always better.
  • If you’re not feeling it on the first date, don’t bother going on a second one.
  • Fuck men!
  • Why do you want a relationship for?
  • I would never go out with someone who approached me in person. So weird.
  • Not everyone finds someone.
  • No one person will tick all your boxes, compromise is important.
  • Love isn’t enough.
  • If they’ve been single for too long, it’s a red flag.
  • I will never do a relationship again.
  • Maybe I can find someone for you.
  • But you’re happy by yourself. You don’t need anyone.
  • You’re too independent, guys won’t feel like you need them.
  • Monogamy is a lie.
  • Half of the people in relationships are miserable and only stay in them because they can’t stand being alone.
  • You need to learn to ne happy on your own before you will find someone.
  • Smile more.
  • Stop putting up walls.
  • You need to look more approachable.
  • We fell in love when he was still married.
  • Don’t just tell someone you’re interested in them, they’ll freak out.
  • Maybe you still have feelings for your ex?
  • It just kind of happened. We did nothing ‘right’, there are no rules.
  • People who say they are only looking for a serious relationship are often the least ready for one.
  • Never go for someone who is in a relationship or married.
  • He was a drunken hookup, we have been together since.
  • No one is too busy, you’re just not a priority.
  • If they cancel without rescheduling, move along.
  • Give them a chance. You never know what they’re going through.
  • You aren’t going to find someone with that attitude.

Everyone is right and wrong at the same time. Reflections on one’s own experience can be helpful, even comforting.

Most advice comes in the form of regurgitated, broad brush statements which are generally terrible and unwarranted.

Is there a right way or a wrong way? Probably not.

Every one of the above statements would be accurate in some way. They would be true to the person making them but potentially irrelevant to anyone else.

Why am I writing this? It’s so common sense is it not? Well, for me it is cathartic and it helps clear the noise in my head.

You date and have all kinds of bizarre and disappointing encounters and eventually you begin to question yourself. You begin to wonder if you are the problem. So you put everything out in front of you and you realise, no – it’s not me. I may not be perfect but I’m doing my best and I’m learning each time.

Liar

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He says he’s fine with his own company, but he’s lonely.

He often says no worries but he’s upset.

Wishes things didn’t change so much. He feels like all the seats being taken and its looking more and more like there is not seat for him. Slowly being squeezed out of relevance.

Weekends spent in frustrating solitude. He can’t focus on what he tells everyone he loves doing.

Can’t quite get past the first date or two. It kills him that he can pinpoint that exact moment something changes in the tone of their voice.

Not responsible or focused. Can’t focus.

Hates himself for being too scared of making the change that might make him really happy.

Tells everyone he’s content with his body and confident in his looks but deep down will do anything to be more desirable.

Looks like he’s happy and content but everything is empty and there is no passion or joy. On the brink of tears but can’t quite get to that point.

He’s performative, probably not fooling anyone. He definitely can’t fool himself anymore though.

Something’s gotta change, something’s gotta give.

He feels sick, he feels like he’s slowly dying inside.

Every night when he goes to bed, he longs for sleep, taking him to a place where he feels more alive than he does in wake.

He longs for release.

Rubbish

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I’m walking to the gym, it’s 6:52am.

The construction workers are standing with their coffees out the front of the building site across the road. I can’t understand what they are saying. Long drawls and loud synchronised laughter like crows. Sometimes when I’m feeling anxious I think they’re laughing about me.

As I keep walking, I see the man pushing his mother in the wheelchair coming back from who knows where. Same time everyday, same empty eyes.

As I cross the road, I see this bird. It’s one of those common Myna birds. It dances around this piece of rubbish on the road. The plastic wrapper of a straw that someone threw away. The Myna pecks at it then picks it up as if it’s food or something of substance. It seems confused that it can’t get what it needs from it.
From where I stand, it seems so obvious.
I feel bad and I want to help but I don’t.

Oblivious to me watching, the Myna continues to dance around with the rubbish.

Knowing there isn’t much I can do, I start walking again. I’m thinking now.

I wonder who in my life is telling me to do the same thing when I make silly mistakes. When I dance around the wrong people or pick up something that isn’t good for me.

Maybe they’re just like me, they watch from a distance with pity and before continuing on with their lives.

I am no better than the bird with the plastic wrapper in its beak thinking it’s found gold when in fact it’s nothing more than rubbish.

Knowing I’ve stirred something up within me, I feel like crying. I feel sulky and emotional. I let my eyes water a bit and then blink hard. I let just enough out so I won’t cry during my workout.
The cold air stings and I quicken my pace.