Briefly, everything softens

There are moments lately where things shift.

Nothing dramatic. No announcement.

Just a small softening as if the world has loosened its grip for a minute.

You don’t notice it at first.

But by the time you do, you’re already inside it.

Music

We walk out from book club into the night. One of the last warm evenings in early autumn.

“It feels like a summer evening,” you say.

But it’s not. There’s something thinner in the air. Something already fading. 

The city is busy for a Tuesday night. As we head towards the station, music drifts toward us. Faint at first, then clearer.

I have my arm around yours while you tap your cane along the bluestone footpath. We’re not in any rush.

You stop.

“Where’s that music coming from?”

I look ahead. A man with a keyboard is set up in front of the State Library steps.

“He’s just over in front of the State Library. About a hundred metres from where we are standing.”

You tilt your head slightly, placing it.

“Do you think we could listen for a bit?”

“Of course.”

We make our way over slowly. There are only a couple of people standing around listening to him. 

We stop.

Your hands rest over the top of your cane, your chin resting on your hands. Still. Listening.

The music carries through the air, soft, steady, like it’s holding everything together for a moment.

I watch the city move around us. People passing, night lights sparkling through the trees, everything shifting.

And then I look back at you.

You’re completely still in the middle of it. Listening. Seeing it in a way that I can’t see. 

And it hits me all at once. How much is here right now, and how quickly it passes. How we’re both in it, but not in the same way. How this won’t last.

My chest tightens. My eyes fill before I can stop it.

I don’t say anything. I just stand there beside you.

After a while, you lift your head.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Just like that.

We turn, and the music fades behind us.

I start describing things passing us by as we walk. We talk about life. We catch the train.

Happy 

It’s that point in the night where everything has softened.

The room is thick with heat. Bodies pressed together, music running through the floor. We lean in close, mouths near ears, saying things we wouldn’t say anywhere else.

We haven’t spoken properly in a while.

Our foreheads touch before we pull into each other.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“Yeah, good. How about you?”

A pause.

“Are you happy?”

I almost answer straight away.

Then I stop.

The room keeps moving around us. There’s more I could say, but none of it belongs here.

“Yeah,” I say.

A beat.

“I am.”

He nods, like that’s enough.

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“I was in a dark place,” he says. “But I’m getting better now.”

I pull him in a little tighter.

“I’m glad. You know I’m always here for you.”

“Thank you.”

We hold it for a second longer than we need to, then let go.

Just like that, it’s done.

He disappears back into the crowd. The music closes in again.

But something has settled.

I stand there for a moment, then smile to myself, lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.

Unwarranted dating advice and other reflections

Everyone is an expert on relationships and dating. Whether they’re single (by choice or otherwise), in a relationship (happy or otherwise) or dating just like you, everyone is an expert.

Here is a list of some of the advice, reflections (by no means exhaustive) that people share with me on a regular basis:

  • If you are looking for a relationship you won’t find one.
  • Put yourself out there.
  • Don’t hook up.
  • If you sleep with them too soon they will lose interest.
  • Don’t go on too many dates.
  • We met once overseas and were long distance for two years. He’s the love of my life.
  • Make sure you don’t appear desperate.
  • You cannot be looking for love, once you stop looking it will just come. It’s so easy.
  • There are plenty of others out there.
  • We started off a fuck buddies and now we’re married.
  • I told him we were just friends and after a year I realised he was what I was looking for.
  • Long distance never works.
  • I rushed in because he seemed like the right choice and ticked all the boxes but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t what I needed.
  • Hooking up is fine.
  • I had zero interest in going on a date with this person at first. But after a few times hanging out I realised there was something special.
  • Don’t use dating apps, meeting people from real life is always better.
  • If you’re not feeling it on the first date, don’t bother going on a second one.
  • Fuck men!
  • Why do you want a relationship for?
  • I would never go out with someone who approached me in person. So weird.
  • Not everyone finds someone.
  • No one person will tick all your boxes, compromise is important.
  • Love isn’t enough.
  • If they’ve been single for too long, it’s a red flag.
  • I will never do a relationship again.
  • Maybe I can find someone for you.
  • But you’re happy by yourself. You don’t need anyone.
  • You’re too independent, guys won’t feel like you need them.
  • Monogamy is a lie.
  • Half of the people in relationships are miserable and only stay in them because they can’t stand being alone.
  • You need to learn to ne happy on your own before you will find someone.
  • Smile more.
  • Stop putting up walls.
  • You need to look more approachable.
  • We fell in love when he was still married.
  • Don’t just tell someone you’re interested in them, they’ll freak out.
  • Maybe you still have feelings for your ex?
  • It just kind of happened. We did nothing ‘right’, there are no rules.
  • People who say they are only looking for a serious relationship are often the least ready for one.
  • Never go for someone who is in a relationship or married.
  • He was a drunken hookup, we have been together since.
  • No one is too busy, you’re just not a priority.
  • If they cancel without rescheduling, move along.
  • Give them a chance. You never know what they’re going through.
  • You aren’t going to find someone with that attitude.

Everyone is right and wrong at the same time. Reflections on one’s own experience can be helpful, even comforting.

Most advice comes in the form of regurgitated, broad brush statements which are generally terrible and unwarranted.

Is there a right way or a wrong way? Probably not.

Every one of the above statements would be accurate in some way. They would be true to the person making them but potentially irrelevant to anyone else.

Why am I writing this? It’s so common sense is it not? Well, for me it is cathartic and it helps clear the noise in my head.

You date and have all kinds of bizarre and disappointing encounters and eventually you begin to question yourself. You begin to wonder if you are the problem. So you put everything out in front of you and you realise, no – it’s not me. I may not be perfect but I’m doing my best and I’m learning each time.

Wake

It feels like I’ve long woken up from a dream and even if I shut my eyes, I can’t go back.

You all look like you did in my dream but you move differently now.

I take the photos down because the memories don’t feel real anymore. It’s too painful a reminder of a warmth and ease that no longer exist.

Sure, we still go places but it isn’t the same. Beneath the surface there is nothing but empty eyes and checking the time.

What did you fill my cup with?

Something doesn’t feel right.

There are more ghosts than ever. Poking around and staring at me.

Everything is bland, the colour isn’t as bright and feelings aren’t as strong. I’m tired.

Night falls. I lay in bed and once again close my eyes. Maybe this is all just a bad dream.

Window

In the mornings when I swim, before I get into the pool I look up at the apartments around me. Crowding around like still giants.

Sometimes I sit there for who knows how long and I pick a window, even though I can’t see much of what or who is inside I imagine their world and their life.

Each window has a story. It’s always morning and someone is going to work.

They use the same lights I do but they probably have a toaster which I don’t have. I use the grill, too much clutter with a toaster.

Today, this guy is going to work, he’s eating dry toast and watching the news while he drinks a milky coffee. The apartment smells like toast. The TV volume is low and the bedroom door is closed- someone is still sleeping.

Who is it? Maybe it’s his wife or boyfriend. What if he’s divorced and this is the day he has custody of his daughter?

Shouldn’t she be getting up for school though? Maybe it’s school holidays. Is it? I can’t even remember.

He looks out the window and thinks about his day ahead. All those meetings to get through until the end of the day.

I wonder if his job is stressful? Does it pay well?

The guy takes a swig of coffee and another bite of the crunchy toast. He’s dressed a bit more nicely than usual because he’s going out after work. I wonder where he’s going?

Would he give me a second look if he passed me in the street? Have we ridden the elevator at the same time before?

I turn my attention back to the room and see the bedroom door opening slowly. An older woman comes out in a nightie. He looks up and says one word but I can’t make it out. He doesn’t smile.

Is that his mother? Or is he just into older women? Could even be his sister. Not everything has to be sexual.

She frowns at him but still heavy with sleep doesn’t have the energy to do much more.

The toast smell is going into the bedroom now with the door wide open. The older woman shuffles over to the kitchen before grabbing a white mug, starts making herself a coffee but stops short of pouring the hot water and milk in.

She pauses for a moment, looking up and sighs before shuffling back into the bedroom and closing the door.

Did they have a fight? They seem to be going through something awkward. I hope he isn’t hitting her.

The man leaves his plate, mug with some coffee at the table. Does he really expect her to clean it up? Typical.

He puts on his shoes, picks up a sorry looking leather suitcase before walking out the door. I hear the slam and it seems signify the end of this little story.

They real occupants will never know that I was imagining their lives and I’ll never know what their real lives are like.

I come back into myself and blank for a moment. I’m exhausted. Looking up at the window once more. I can’t physically see any of what I just saw in my mind.

I need to swim.

I don’t hesitate a moment longer and slip into the cool, calm water.

Grid

You’re not next to me but you’re with me.

I know that, I swear I do.

It’s a Saturday night isolated but I know I’m not alone. I know I’m loved. Especially by you.

Despite this, I can no longer focus on whatever I put on the TV that I thought would distract me enough. I look down to that grid. I’m scanning the grid knowing you wont be there. My brain and my heart are telling me to stop looking but as if by some phantom habit, my body now moves on it’s own.

This search also turns up nothing.

I don’t feel relieved.

I feel empty,

I feel dark,

I feel uncomfortable.

My eyes close, I reset and open up to find the grid is gone.

I’m pacified for now but I know I have to be stronger next time, I know I can’t go on like this.

I’m praying for strength and most of all I’m praying for faith.