It feels like I’ve long woken up from a dream and even if I shut my eyes, I can’t go back.
You all look like you did in my dream but you move differently now.
I take the photos down because the memories don’t feel real anymore. It’s too painful a reminder of a warmth and ease that no longer exist.
Sure, we still go places but it isn’t the same. Beneath the surface there is nothing but empty eyes and checking the time.
What did you fill my cup with?
Something doesn’t feel right.
There are more ghosts than ever. Poking around and staring at me.
Everything is bland, the colour isn’t as bright and feelings aren’t as strong. I’m tired.
Night falls. I lay in bed and once again close my eyes. Maybe this is all just a bad dream.
He checks his phone and notifications when he’s out with you but you’re sure you recall him saying he prefers to be disconnected and live authentically.
He says he doesn’t have enough money to go out but his stories show that he’s taken up the company of someone more generous and desirable than you.
He promises that he isn’t some jerk who fucks people around but after he’s cum inside you his contact thins out to the point where you question whether he even existed at all.
A ghost? No, my bank account says otherwise.
Surrounded by familiar faces asking you why you’re still alone. But you’re such a catch they all say each and every time. They can’t believe it.
You say you can’t believe it either but that’s not true is it?
Because you’ve been busy when you haven’t been busy.
You preach the authentic life with a convincing veil but deep down you’re just as consumed.
You have definitely pretended to be broke and put your company out to the highest bidder so someone would pay for your evening out. You absolutely have.
And yes, you have been the jerk who made promises he cannot and knows he will not keep and when you get what you want you tactfully withdraw, deflecting questions and suspicions with convenient and perfect answers because you you’re so damn clever.
So when you’re asked why you’re single despite your qualities. You know that deep down you are flawed just as he is, you have hurt others like he hurts you.
All you do is smile and throw your hands in the air and make some cynical joke to lighten the load.
Somewhere else, at some other time, he is having that exact same conversation with himself over and over again.