Night Walk

I’ve come out of the sentō and the prospect of going back to the apartment doesn’t seem like the right choice.

It’s my last night. My mind needs to decompress.

I don’t want to pack, think about going back at this point.

I walk in the opposite direction of the apartment and into the labyrinth of streets on this cool and calm night.



Cross that bridge?

Wherever my feet take me.

If I walked where others told me to walk then would it feel as relaxing? No. That’s why I walk my own path.

So that means that it’s time to start listening to myself more and less about what might worry others.

Sometimes we’re all a bit rude, usually we’re nice. Not surprisingly, we notice when others are rude and not so much when we ourselves are being rude.

Little plants in pots in front of houses. The hydrangeas haven’t started blooming yet.

No cars parked on the street.

One day at the start of the trip, my friend and I were walking down a smaller street just off Cat Street and this kid and his mother were buying some fruit. The kid, probably no older than five years old turned to the old man running the shop and said, “What happens to the shop when you die? Where will we buy our fruit?” The old man laughed as the mother bowed and apologised profusely.

I’ve reached a park and despite being empty and dark, does not feel unsafe.

Something about looking at flowers under the moonlight that really calms me. The colours are slightly different and they appear to take on a different form.

I’m thinking about rapid changes in behaviour. People going from hot to cold and how much I used to care about it. Now I just try my best to let them be.

A little way after the park, there’s a Family Mart down on the corner. It’s surprisingly small and doesn’t have the same kind of stock and range as the others, in particular that honey butter French toast I really like isn’t stocked. I walk out and keep going.

What lies ahead when I return?

How will it be when we cross paths again?

I think I know the answer but I’ll need to wait and find out.

I stop in the middle of the road and decide it’s time to go back. I turn around and start the journey home.


My jitters melt away, replaced with a colourful feeling of floating and a calmness I have not felt in so long.

The light splits into a thousand strands and spreads across the darkness, inescapable and intoxicating.

Has it been 5 minutes or 5 hours?

Amongst the sea of bare chests and unfocused stares, we sometimes lock eyes and smile. Occasionally a kiss and some whispers, barely audible in amongst all the noise. A hidden language only we are able to hear and understand.

Why did I keep myself tethered from freedom for so long?

I close my eyes and fall into someone’s arms. We look into each others eyes and laugh, the same inside joke.

Isn’t this paradise? We smirk this time.

Yeah, it is.

The lights build up and explode, breaking into a million falling stars that we don’t feel as they land our skin.

Someone’s body against mine and darkness once more.


The hum of an unseen air conditioning unit outside the hotel room window.

Weather warm and air slightly humid. Skin plump and dewy. Now is our time.

Every queer in town plus a few more. Side eyes at every intersection and disordered habits squeezing into those tight, tight pieces.

Laughter with friends, running from party to party, watching and egging each other on as we entangled ourselves with countless strangers.

Some of them clung on but only as long as snow fell, sweets were plentiful and invisible rivers of gold flowed. But you know, these things that cling on tend to drop off when you don’t feed them anymore.

Where am I finding this energy to go on? Surely, I’ll fall down. No time to think, just keep dancing for now. Quickly, before you sink!

We have to catch up! But I just can’t find the time. I’ll see you back home, I promise this time

I sleep lightly while that unit still hums. A cricket chirps somewhere outside.

As I awake, I see that it is overcast now, how can this be?

Everything looked so much better in the sun and under all those lights.

I can see the flaws that I couldn’t see before. The filter is gone and many things unseen through a lens are laid bare. Eyes are empty and the conversation is strained.

What happened to those sparks I thought I saw? It must have been the light reflecting off the streamers in the air.

I walk around confused and dazed for a moment but then my sense starts to kick in, this was just a hit, nothing more.

Yearning for my mundane and peaceful everyday where the highs aren’t too high and the lows aren’t too low.

It’s time to get out of here but don’t be fooled, I’ll be back to do it all again.

I close my eyes and this time I sleep real deep.

Monday morning, 7:51am 

The 59 isn’t too busy this morning. The bright sunbeams break through the clouds onto the quiet streets. It seems people are still not quite ready for Monday but the world keeps turning and the tram keeps coasting along the tracks.

Two guys are taking photos of each other casually holding onto the straps dangling along the handrails above head. I’m not sure what the aim of this impromptu photo shoot is but they aren’t doing the best job. 

A group of school-girls pass their myki cards to one in their group who patiently waits for the slow machine to register before handing them back. Beep-Beep. 

It is a peaceful morning in contrast to the violent weekend I had. I wasn’t punched in the face, don’t worry. I didn’t even yell at anyone (not externally anyway). Violence comes in different forms. 

The violence of insecurity.

The violence of being disorganised. 

The violence of poor communication. 

The violence of wilfully ignoring people.

The violence of greed. 

The violence of fear. 

The violence of wanting when you are not wanted back.

If I had to pinpoint the start of this bloodbath, I would say that something shifted somewhere in the universe on Friday night while I rode the 11 tram as it zoomed down St George’s Road in Thornbury. It was just as the orange sky was being swallowed up by the night and darkness fell onto the world around me.

I entered some alternate version of reality where things pretty much looked the same, but everyone was much more violent, including myself. It took me a while to realise it. Everything seemed normal at first until I noticed the change from Saturday afternoon.

A sharp bump while I was out shopping.

Turning his head to avoid eye contact.

A glare from the distance.

Jokes being used to speak a harsh truth.

Pretending I didn’t exist.

Energetic greetings with empty eyes.

It was a lot.

While I think I’ve managed to slip back into my usual reality, being away has taken it out of me. I’m tired. My energy is low. Something is still different…not how I left things.

The violence and darkness I experienced in that other reality isn’t completely removed from this one.  It lurks in the shadows, smirking. Has it followed me?

It is frightening because I have seen the darkness in a lot of people who I didn’t see it within before. 

I saw a version of myself that I wasn’t sure I liked. Now he’s followed me here, stuck to me like a shadow. 

What does all this mean? I can’t quite grasp it yet.

Isquint ahead of me and make out that my stop is coming up so I pull the chord. The tram makes a slight bend at Haymarket.

Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it’s all just me with my overactive imagination wanting to see more in the world than there actually is.

I get off the tram with a few others and the sun is now all but concealed by the clouds.

Or maybe it is the universe telling me that we all have violent darkness within us. Maybe the smriking reflection in the mirror is laughing because it has taken me this long to see that there were never meant to be two realities. I seperated them long ago and now they have inevitably come crashing back together. Which is why I find myself overhwhelmed and confused by everything swarming around me.

Not sure if I feel like I’ve dressed too warmly, or the tram was just hot and my body is still acclimatising to being outside.

That it’s important to see the dark in the world because we have to embrace the good and the bad together before we really see the world, before we see ourselves.

I cross the road and make my over to my appointment.

Yeah, I guess that’s it. I laugh to myself.


A cool evening in late summer with a clear sky.

I have just finished sharing watermelon with Amelie. As I make my way back to the apartment, I stop in the garden to glimpse the moon.

Big and bright in the dark starry sea, I’m transfixed by the glow as I float up into the sky. Leaving the earth and drifting weightless in the vast expanse, I feel someone pass me but I don’t see who.

They don’t see me either.

I draw closer to the surface of the moon. So close I can nearly touch it. For a second I manage to feel that powdery surface. I laugh to myself, it feels just like talcum powder.

The darkness and shape of the craters are so varied, I don’t even attempt to take it all in. For a moment I think of the someone I passed in space on the way here.

Who is this someone visiting earth while I visit their home?

As they take in the wonder of my home, do they think about who is visiting their home?

A splash in the distance from the pool, a cricket chirping unseen in the garden. The chilly breeze brings me back to earth in an instant.

I assume the visitor has been pulled back to the moon too.

What did they think as they felt the smooth, cool leaves on the bushes in the garden like I touched the talcum powder surface of their home?

The moon still hangs in the sky, illuminating the night.

I snap out of my state and walk inside the building.

Moments this week


I’m lying down on the floor staring at the ceiling again. The breeze ripples the curtains and dances lightly on my face.

I take a breath and hold it.

Covering my eyes and pushing until I see the purple erupting in the darkness of my mind I start to imagine how the course of my life might change if I made certain decisions this year.

I expel my breath with strength and allow new air to fill me. My heart beats fast.


While I’m getting something from my bedroom one evening, I notice the peacock feathers are swaying from a breeze.

I look and confirm none of my windows are open. AC isn’t on.

“You want something proper to sit in don’t you?”

They fold slightly, “Yes.”

“Okay, sorry – you’re right.”

They bow without a word and I dip my head lightly in return.


What colour is solitude?

Before I sleep, I position the pillows to create the impression of someone sleeping next to me. Tell yourself enough times that this fills a void and it really becomes that way.


Sometimes everyday life is the most moving and emotional.


Maiiit yew gawt anii mahnii faw a coffii???

I’ll buy you one, what do you want?

Larrtey wif free rorr sugaz!!


Tsgottah bee rorr! Eyem bean helfy hahahahaha

I’ll be back.

Fanks! Eyell pay ya backkk hahahahaha yeh

2022 reflections

There is so much to say about this year. It has been hard, maybe harder than ever. Do we say that every year? I think so.

Naively, I had so much hope for 2022 after nearly two years of lockdowns and what I perceived to be lost time. I was wrong because time was not lost at all. The passage of time is a funny thing. During those lockdowns, time was flowing, and we were all changing.

It isn’t all bad. There have been some great things in the year and I’m grateful for even the smallest win or glimmer of hope.

Recently, I have been comparing a lot of things in life to fitness. You have to work at it, it isn’t always fun or flattering and the most important results are not visible to the eye.

I’ve found a sense of community where I work out. From being someone who hated sport and physical activity in high school because of the way my sports teacher treated those of us who didn’t fit in, I now run towards the challenge, power and confidence that working out gives me.

The main theme of this post is to do with the passage of time. It is possibly one of the most emotional and difficult things to come to terms with, for me anyway. We cannot change it, we cannot reverse it. I am still learning to surrender to the passage of time and for me that is a work in progress.

What have I learned or experienced so far this year?

Don’t assume that your friendships or any kind of relationship will remain constant. Any relationship is constant work – I don’t subscribe to the notion that relationships are effortless. I get the concept, but I don’t agree that it requires no effort. Everything needs work and effort, it just comes down to what you think is worthy of your time, work and effort. I was introduced to the term fair-weather friend. These are the friends who are with you when it is easy to be with you but disappear when you start having issues. These are people who lack accountability and do not follow through, particularly when it is of no tangible benefit to them.

Related to the above, keep yourself open to meeting new people always. I’ve had people ask me why I feel the need to meet new people all the time. Aren’t you happy with your friends?! To which I would say, well, if I took that approach then we probably would not have met.

By keeping myself open, I have made new friends this year who have had all kinds of wonderful impacts on me. It brings a smile to my face when I think of how lucky I am to have met these people.

This year I finally confronted in a very real way that I was a victim of rape seventeen years ago. It was so difficult for me to say that I could not even fathom typing the previous sentence up until this point. After extensive therapy and some time, I finally had the courage to report this to the police and going through that process has been really challenging for me. While it is still difficult for me to talk about openly, I am slowly moving to a place where I can. It took me this long to realise how much that event impacted me, my emotional and sexual relationships. I am on the journey to heal and grow stronger, this will take time and effort. I am grateful that my close friends, family and community supported me through this time (and continue to do so).

I have learned to be more vulnerable this year. I used to think that showing my weakness would make me undesirable as a person but this was quite the opposite. Putting up walls has alienated me from people in the past. This year has been a big step towards bringing those walls down and being more vulnerable with people as they are with me.

Dating has been absolutely hilarious and overwhelmingly crap. No surprises here but always a fun one. From the highs of January to getting banned on Tinder and Hinge, it has been a ride. The way people present themselves to the world and the bizarre ways they treat people privately is…an interesting contrast. You betcha you are a story I’m telling to people, makes for great dinner conversation. What I will say though, is that I have made more friends off dating apps than I have had successful dates. That is not a bad outcome at all. While I pretty much stopped going on dates about two months ago, it has been a nice break and allowed me to throw myself into doing more things I love.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to fall in love but it is also not a requirement for me. I will meet people and explore the opportunity but I will not force it. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you feel like you are fading as an individual. I want someone who challenges me, makes me grow and compliments me while I do the same for them. I am not looking for someone to complete me.

With that said, living alone is hard work. You need to work to be active in all components of your life because it is far too easy to fall into isolation.

I have no idea what 2023 is going to bring for me but as always, I’m hopeful and excited. That’s all from me for now.


It’s a funny thing to reflect on the past. People say you shouldn’t dwell too much on it and I agree with that, but it’s good to reflect
so we can think about the present and what might lie ahead of us. When I’m reflecting, there is a quote from Maya Angelou that I always come back to. She said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I wonder how many of us think deeply think about the consequences of our actions and words. It’s very easy to justify why you can’t have a difficult (but necessary) conversation with someone, why it’s easier and okay to completely ignore someone – it’s easy because we all do it. We are all guilty of it.

Controversially, in the name of self-care we even sometimes attempt to justify hurtful behaviour. I would argue though, that this is not self-care because you are not only doing long term damage to people around you, but also to yourself.

Self-care to me doesn’t mean something is easy and instantly makes me happy.
Self-care can painful, awkward, and sometimes does not produce instant results.

Under the mask of anonymity or away from the potential judgment of those we love and respect, it is interesting to see how people’s behaviour and treatment of others can change.

There was a recent experience I had where I met someone briefly via some mutual, close friends and they seemed like a friendly and outgoing person during our brief interaction. A few days later, I had an online experience with this person that was completely the opposite. I felt horrible. My mind instantly went to self-blame and what I must have done wrong. Surely, my friends would not have those kinds of people around them. Again, I burrowed into blaming myself but eventually, in the name of self-preservation I concluded that this person was just rude.

Of course, it doesn’t end there because I’m an overthinker. I asked myself, had I behaved in a similar way towards others in the past? I didn’t want to admit it, but the answer was yes. I had also been the rude or cold person at different points in my life. I probably wouldn’t even be able to say why I behaved that way. I wonder how I made them feel and if they still remember how I made them feel.

So then why do we do it? Why do we sometimes behave badly when no one we know is looking? I don’t know. Maybe we all have different reasons. Sometimes I think I did it out of fear but I don’t know if that was the reason every time.

If we wear masks, are we just changing our masks? I don’t want to believe that those times I haven’t treated people well is my true self. I genuinely don’t believe that is my true self and I’m sure it isn’t other people’s true self either. I would like to think that was some other mask I put on at the time that I probably shouldn’t be wearing again going forward.

Again, in the name of self-preservation I think about this in the context of an increasingly socially connected world. That mask I might have worn in the past (more than I’d like to admit) needs to go away. I might have people confront me about my shitty behaviour in the past and I need to own that. Likewise, others may need to think about this possibility for them.

What makes me think that people still remember the way I made them feel? Because I remember the way people have made me feel. If I were to describe some of the ways people have made me feel (negatively), I would say the main ones are invisible, dirty, unimportant, and forgettable. I wonder what words people would use to describe the ways I have made them feel (negatively).

To date, I have had a few conversations with people who I didn’t treat well, and I count myself lucky that they gave me the time of day. It wasn’t about making excuses or making someone accept my apology. Sometimes it was as simple as, “I was a shit and was really rude to you. I don’t know why I did it, but it was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Likewise, my door is always open, and I will hear people out who treated me poorly if they want to own their behaviour. Some people have and I really admire their courage in doing that.

To finish off, just yesterday, I was having a great chat with these two amazing women who run a cafe nearby home and one of them said, “You know, we live in a pretty unforgiving and cruel world sometimes. It doesn’t hurt to be good to those around us.” We could all agree on that.

It’s important to understand that the world can be a genuinely isolating and shitty place, the least we can do is try and make it a little less that way by treating people around us with more kindness even if we don’t think we’re going to see them again.

Anyway, that’s all from me today.

Unwarranted dating advice and other reflections

Everyone is an expert on relationships and dating. Whether they’re single (by choice or otherwise), in a relationship (happy or otherwise) or dating just like you, everyone is an expert.

Here is a list of some of the advice, reflections (by no means exhaustive) that people share with me on a regular basis:

  • If you are looking for a relationship you won’t find one.
  • Put yourself out there.
  • Don’t hook up.
  • If you sleep with them too soon they will lose interest.
  • Don’t go on too many dates.
  • We met once overseas and were long distance for two years. He’s the love of my life.
  • Make sure you don’t appear desperate.
  • You cannot be looking for love, once you stop looking it will just come. It’s so easy.
  • There are plenty of others out there.
  • We started off a fuck buddies and now we’re married.
  • I told him we were just friends and after a year I realised he was what I was looking for.
  • Long distance never works.
  • I rushed in because he seemed like the right choice and ticked all the boxes but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t what I needed.
  • Hooking up is fine.
  • I had zero interest in going on a date with this person at first. But after a few times hanging out I realised there was something special.
  • Don’t use dating apps, meeting people from real life is always better.
  • If you’re not feeling it on the first date, don’t bother going on a second one.
  • Fuck men!
  • Why do you want a relationship for?
  • I would never go out with someone who approached me in person. So weird.
  • Not everyone finds someone.
  • No one person will tick all your boxes, compromise is important.
  • Love isn’t enough.
  • If they’ve been single for too long, it’s a red flag.
  • I will never do a relationship again.
  • Maybe I can find someone for you.
  • But you’re happy by yourself. You don’t need anyone.
  • You’re too independent, guys won’t feel like you need them.
  • Monogamy is a lie.
  • Half of the people in relationships are miserable and only stay in them because they can’t stand being alone.
  • You need to learn to ne happy on your own before you will find someone.
  • Smile more.
  • Stop putting up walls.
  • You need to look more approachable.
  • We fell in love when he was still married.
  • Don’t just tell someone you’re interested in them, they’ll freak out.
  • Maybe you still have feelings for your ex?
  • It just kind of happened. We did nothing ‘right’, there are no rules.
  • People who say they are only looking for a serious relationship are often the least ready for one.
  • Never go for someone who is in a relationship or married.
  • He was a drunken hookup, we have been together since.
  • No one is too busy, you’re just not a priority.
  • If they cancel without rescheduling, move along.
  • Give them a chance. You never know what they’re going through.
  • You aren’t going to find someone with that attitude.

Everyone is right and wrong at the same time. Reflections on one’s own experience can be helpful, even comforting.

Most advice comes in the form of regurgitated, broad brush statements which are generally terrible and unwarranted.

Is there a right way or a wrong way? Probably not.

Every one of the above statements would be accurate in some way. They would be true to the person making them but potentially irrelevant to anyone else.

Why am I writing this? It’s so common sense is it not? Well, for me it is cathartic and it helps clear the noise in my head.

You date and have all kinds of bizarre and disappointing encounters and eventually you begin to question yourself. You begin to wonder if you are the problem. So you put everything out in front of you and you realise, no – it’s not me. I may not be perfect but I’m doing my best and I’m learning each time.


He says he’s fine with his own company, but he’s lonely.

He often says no worries but he’s upset.

Wishes things didn’t change so much. He feels like all the seats being taken and its looking more and more like there is not seat for him. Slowly being squeezed out of relevance.

Weekends spent in frustrating solitude. He can’t focus on what he tells everyone he loves doing.

Can’t quite get past the first date or two. It kills him that he can pinpoint that exact moment something changes in the tone of their voice.

Not responsible or focused. Can’t focus.

Hates himself for being too scared of making the change that might make him really happy.

Tells everyone he’s content with his body and confident in his looks but deep down will do anything to be more desirable.

Looks like he’s happy and content but everything is empty and there is no passion or joy. On the brink of tears but can’t quite get to that point.

He’s performative, probably not fooling anyone. He definitely can’t fool himself anymore though.

Something’s gotta change, something’s gotta give.

He feels sick, he feels like he’s slowly dying inside.

Every night when he goes to bed, he longs for sleep, taking him to a place where he feels more alive than he does in wake.

He longs for release.