Split

March 25, 2020 Urban SolitudeEveryday, Human, Identity, Lessons, Life, Melbourne, passageoftime, Past, Self, thoughts, Tokyo, UrbansolitudeLeave a comment

It’s been nagging me for years since I came back. That feeling I left something of myself behind.

Because when I go back I feel so alive and I feel myself. Why is that? I could never figure it out.

But today during my session with the psychologist, it came out that perhaps I left a part of myself there, the part of myself I actually like.

So when I’m back there I’m whole again, when I leave I’m not.

If I’m not whole and the part of myself that I like and truly want to be is not here then what is it that came back?

Could it be that my shadow came back and forgot it was a shadow and just took my place? Meanwhile my true self is over there infinitely walking home from the station on a still autumn night in awe of everything around him not realising what has happened.

How do I make myself whole again?

Genesis

October 23, 2019October 24, 2019 Urban SolitudeEmotions, Human, Life, Loneliness, Memories, Past, Setagaya, thoughts, Tokyo, UrbansolitudeLeave a comment

Genesis by Grimes comes on and I close my eyes to find myself back in my apartment in Hanegi one evening during the week nearly five years ago. I’ve finished work and I’m sitting there on my beige coloured ikea sofa with the red throw on it.

I can see a seven eleven dinner plastic tray with a trace of food I just ate from it lying open on the coffee table in front of me. Disposable wooden chopsticks are sitting on top and a thin rubber band is a short distance away.

My heart, I never feel

I never see

I never know.

I’m restless, I always have been.

My eyes close as I get to my feet and throw my body into some kind of mad dance. I’m doing this in my shoebox space.

Oh, heart

And then it falls

And then I fall

And then I know

I wish this song would never end. It always does and I know it but fuck, I wish it would go on forever.

Ever see, ever be, ever know my heart

I think I’ll be restless forever. A tear rolls down my cheek and slides into the space between my lips.

My dance becomes more erratic, violent jerks throw me into the walls and tripping over my coffee table.

Home and I know

Playing the deck above

It’s always different

I am the one in love

I bring myself to my feet and I keep going, unable to stop myself. I feel the blood dripping down my left shin and the sting of the scrape.

Ever see, ever be, ever know my heart

I run down the hallway now and throw the door to my apartment open. Through the entrance and out of my building into a humid autumn night with cicadas screaming to genesis, hidden from view.

I’m screaming in the darkness and no one can see or hear me.

It’s always different

I am the one in love

I disappear.

Hydrangea

September 24, 2019 Urban Solitudedreams, Everyday, Life, Melbourne, Past, thoughts, Tokyo, UrbansolitudeLeave a comment

How is it that when I see a blue hydrangea and gently close my eyes, I can smell the rain in the air and I’m back right where I belong?

The future was all a dream, but then maybe the present is too.

Spring

April 4, 2019 Urban SolitudeEveryday, Ghosts, Life, Love, Memories, passageoftime, thoughts, Tokyo, UrbansolitudeLeave a comment

And you look up and notice that even the cherry blossoms have started to fall from the branches.

Collapse

February 1, 2019February 11, 2019 Urban SolitudeDating, Life, Melbourne, People, Society, thoughts, Tokyo, UrbansolitudeLeave a comment

There are skeletons eating hamburgers talking about marriage and the company. They have translucent, milky white skin and are draped in chiffon cake clothing.

She is being told by the television that her partner will cheat on her and she will need to work on forgiving that kind of behaviour because it’s inevitable.

After revealing he is 175 centimeters and 60 kilograms being told by a friend that he is in fact a bit on the large side. It’s such a waste, your face is so handsome but your body doesn’t match!

See you again means never see you again.

She gets violently drunk at a social gathering and vomits mainly liquid with the few pieces of lettuce she had over the course of dinner. She doesn’t want to get any bigger because the guys won’t like it.

They ask him everyday why he’s single because he’s such a catch. They just don’t get it.

Crammed into a train carriage with hundreds of sad faces and empty eyes.
They have so many things they want to do but their heads are foggy and they can’t get up.

Bound by rules, upholding them when they are watching but breaking them when we are anonymous.

She has collapsed against some cold, beautiful skyscraper, crying and vomiting because she did everything like they said and she’s still unhappy.

Even though it’s a Saturday night and tomorrow is his one day off, he can’t stand the thought of a another week. On the edge of that train platform with the blinding light of a rapid train approaching he closes his eyes and falls into the light.