Month: May 2024

Dark Train / Light Train

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It’s 6:58, and a train is approaching slowly. It won’t stop at my station or any others. There is no announcement, but it is coming my way. There are no lights on; there probably isn’t even a driver. It just keeps going until it reaches something that it can’t push out of the way. There really isn’t much that can stop it.

As the train passes me, I am forced to see every part of it, hear every screech and thud. I watch it slowly disappear into the darkness and out of my view completely.

I feel a sense of hopelessness wash over me. There is no one else at the station, so I cry a bit. I think about the phone call I received today from the sexual crimes detective assigned to my case. It was not the news I wanted to hear, but deep down, it is the news I knew I would receive. I cry some more.

My mind wanders, and I think about how sweaty I got at the gym before. I couldn’t figure out why. I never usually get that sweaty.

Now I hear the announcement, and my train is coming. It’s approaching, and it’s full of light. I wipe my eyes and get ready to board.

Messages I never sent, thoughts I didn’t share

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I had a dream about you last night. In the dream, I was walking down the street nearby my place and I noticed you on the roof of one of the shops, you were beaming down at me. I called out to you but you said nothing and just kept smiling. You then jumped to the next roof and danced like a ballerina. I was scared you might fall but you didn’t.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay x

The other day when we were dancing, I thought you said something like, “I don’t know what happened to us but I want to fix it.” All I could manage to say back was, “Okay.” I had so much more I wanted to say but I couldn’t.

You looked really sad about something last night. I know you don’t want to talk about it-

Everything we do is intentional whether we admit to it or not.

Sometimes I wish I could be part of the group photos.

2024 has been my come down from 2023.

Nothing annoys me more than people telling me how busy they think I am.

My favourite part of the morning is when I’ve just finished the gym and I’m walking to go get my coffee. Everything is so quiet, I love the smell of the air and everything is so clear.

I think about the fact that whenever I go out, I see so many faces I know and love. I also know that this won’t be forever because everything changes. Everything is always changing. That’s what makes life so special. The boring bits like this are the best part.

I miss the way you used to be. I know I’m not meant to say it.

But I know that you are more you now than you were before so it’s a good thing. I don’t know what I’m even trying to say. Actually, I think this is more about me than it is you. I’m not going to send this.