With the day of departure soon approaching, John found himself thrown into a flurry of activities in the lead-up to his big adventure. He had enough winter clothes to take with him and a pair of boots in case it was wet or snowed, so it was more about buying things like souvenirs, frantically going over his Japanese textbooks to make sure he knew how to say what he needed to, and of course, trying to catch up with friends before he disappeared.
On the same day, three days before he left, John was having dinner with Dra and the gang in the city and had managed to get Kane to make time after his shift later that night. John always found that when it rained, it poured. Not only were there two social engagements on the same day but the same night. John didn’t tell anyone he was meeting Kane. His friends would be outraged to know he was finishing up a night with them prematurely for a boy.
“So did you ever hear from that guy from the club?”
“Hmm? Which one?” John asked aloofly.
Dra clapped his hands, “Look at this ho! He doesn’t even remember who he kissed.”
“Ohhh Kane? Yeah, we talk but he’s slow to reply.”
If it came up at a later date, John would just say he got a call from him before he left and they met up. No one needed to know specifically when.
John was good at lying, and it pained him that he could do it so well because he felt so inauthentic when he did. As inauthentic as he felt, it came so naturally that he wondered whether, in a really warped way, lying was, in fact, him being authentic. It was hard to tell.
At any rate, for now, he justified his lies in that they weren’t significant; no one was being hurt, and if anything, it served for some kind of better interaction with people. If his friends or family never found out about the lies he told, then what was lost apart from John’s apparent authenticity and genuineness? Though even then if a lie was never found out, then was it even a lie? John always found reality bizarre in that sense. Something was technically the truth if someone said it was, and even more so if they convinced those around them it was the case. During sleepless nights when John’s mind came to this – particularly before he came out, there would be moments where he realized that because he convinced some people he was straight, in a sense, he was straight. In people’s minds, he was a heterosexual male and that was a reality. But the more he attempted to do this, then what happened to his existing gay self? If his perceived straight reality ever became so strong that more people genuinely believed he was straight rather than gay, then what would become of him? He knew this didn’t actually mean he would become straight, but his existing self would then be confined to this realm where no one believed or knew about his gay self. This was a lie John was not comfortable continuing.
In the situation John currently found himself in, this was a lie he felt like he could justify. Once he left that dinner, there was no perceivable way that anyone in that group would ever know why he left when he did and for what reason. For all intents and purposes, the meeting would exist in a vacuum. Much in the same way that say if someone went on a vacation where no one knew them, they could be anyone they wanted to be and provided that reality and the one they regularly occupied never collided. What was the harm? There would be none, just a level of risk.
The dinner had finished, and Mary suggested they move to the JWOW wine bar, “Come on, let’s drink because we aren’t gonna see you for months!”
John felt torn; he wanted to have another drink, but he desperately wanted to meet Kane. He knew it would go nowhere and nothing would come of it, but deep down, he knew that if he didn’t meet Kane tonight, he would never move on. John could not have this following him to Japan. The last thing he needed was the spectre of some doomed romance coming with him as baggage. John had enough to take as it was.
He checked the time; he could probably stay for a drink or two, and it was only 7:30, and Kane’s shift wasn’t going to be over until 9:00, so John could stay around until about 8:30.
“Yeah! But I have to be on a tram at about 8:30 because I need to finish packing my room up.” John gave a relatively believable response.
“Ohhh what? Why are you packing your room up? You’re only going for a few months, no?” Kiki was looking at him with her eyebrows raised.
“My parents said they’re gonna do painting while I’m away so it’s easier if most of my stuff is packed up, and I don’t want them to find anything weird.”
Devon chuckled, “Ha! You’re worried they’re gonna find your dildo?”
“I don’t have anything like that!” John felt his cheeks burning. The others laughed, and Kiki rested her head on John’s shoulder, “I’m going to miss our baby!”
The table fell silent for a time. For a moment, John forgot about meeting Kane later on and thought about this group. They really had been there with him through so much; he felt like a part of him was raised by them. He couldn’t find the words immediately but felt like he needed to express something to everyone. Though, somehow the words weren’t… quite… forming…
“Oi! Let’s stop this sappy shit and have a drink. I’m sad enough Johnny won’t be here for three months! Now we know how he felt when we went back home each year during breaks.” Dra clapped his hands and snatched up the bill to pay.
As they walked to JWOW where John stayed for two drinks, any passerby would have seen a group of friends laughing and talking as they marched into a bar. They wouldn’t have known it was a night out before one of them departed.
While they sat in the subdued and cozy basement wine bar, the sun had completely set, and by the time John stumbled out, it was completely dark. Everyone hugged John tight and for a what felt like minutes, no one said word.
“Go eat some sushi and meet some cute boys!” Dra yelled, smiling broadly with his perfect teeth and dark hair framing his face.
“Love you guys! I’ll see you soon.” And with that John went on his way.
John fumbled for a moment and untangled the white cords to put his earphones in. The iPod Shuffle blasted “Electricity” by the Avalanches. But maybe it wasn’t even playing from his little device, it was as if it was playing all around him.
He felt light on his feet and decided to run for the tram. He had no idea if he had just missed it, whether he would just make it, or even if he still had plenty of time. John seemed to float across Swanston Street as he went straight down Little Lonsdale towards Elizabeth Street. The narrowness of the street, the old buildings on either side, and the dark gray shine of the bluestone under the streetlights all stood out. The plane trees that lined the street barely rustled in the light breeze, but John could feel and hear the rustle as if the whole world shivered with excitement just as he did in that very moment.
The world was pushing John in the direction he was meant to be going. He glided right and skirted around the edge of Melbourne Central before weaving through a break in the traffic and getting to the tram stop.
The song continued to blast around him, and John pulled out his earphones and confirmed that his iPod wasn’t playing the song. It was playing all around him. He felt short of breath and closed his eyes momentarily. In that split second, the world changed.
John found himself on an empty Elizabeth Street with no people, cars, or trams. It was just John, the streetscape, and the music. A light fog hung around him and he could only barely make out the end of the street towards Flinders Street Station but noticed two dim lights growing as they moved towards him.
A tram was coming up the empty street.
As it approached, John noticed there was nothing written on the destination, and there was no driver as the tram came to the stop where he was waiting.
John looked around him; it was just him.
The tram doors opened silently as the music came to a slight lull. He felt a tingle wash over him. What was this? He didn’t know what was going on, but he knew that he was getting on this tram. He took one last look around the city.
He wasn’t coming back to this place for a while.
John stepped on wordlessly. The doors closed, and the tram departed.
It was only John on the tram, and he took a seat near the window in the mid-section like he always did. He looked outside, and the street was filled with onlookers waving and clapping at the tram, at John. The closer he looked, he recognized these people from all different times of his life. His kindergarten teacher was there standing next to his Japanese teacher, and then further along were his grandparents and even some of his classmates from primary school. John wondered how drunk he must have been, but it didn’t feel like he was drunk; this was different.
The tram sped up, and all the people he could see disappeared into a blur.
John reclined slightly and felt a deep drowsiness fall over him.
Whatever world John slipped into, he was placed right back into his own as he slept.
There was complete silence and nothingness.
A jolt made John come to. He looked around slightly panicked, where was he?
The tram was crossing over the Moonee Ponds Junction before the stop. John got to his feet and checked the time; it had only been 25 minutes since he got on the tram.
John only remembered leaving JWOW and running to the tram before everything trailed off into some fogginess. He couldn’t seem to remember the tram ride. He must have fallen asleep he thought to himself.
Getting off at the Junction, John felt refreshed, he felt light.
Again, he couldn’t quite place what had been lifted…
Taking out his phone, he sent Kane a message, “Hey I’m here. Let me know when you’re done and where to meet you.”
While waiting, John walked up a deserted Puckle Street with half of its shops vacant and the rest filled with average tenants. The only store he found exciting in the area was the comic book store on Everage Street just off Hall Street. John often bought manga there and frequented it in high school when he used to play Counter Strike with friends at the now-closed internet café on the corner of Everage and Hall. What had it become since it closed… some kind of restaurant or café. Whenever John walked past it, he couldn’t help but feel a little sadness.
John’s phone vibrated, “Finished, meet me in the car park near the Park Street entrance.”
John took a right down the arcade through to Hall Street. It was dark and uninviting with the feint smell of urine lingering in the air. The cream coloured rendered walls were darkened with dust and grime. A mural made by a nearby public primary school made John wonder what the hopes for this arcade were when it first opened. Is this how they imagined it would become?
The side of Hall Street where the arcade led to was desolate since the Old Market had been demolished, and the site remained as a temporary car park.
Development had stalled for various reasons and now the memories of what the market even looked like were beginning to fade. John could only remember one of the entrances and a shop where his grandmother worked at. He remembered a coin-operated horse ride that would unimaginatively moved up and down for about half a minute before a parent would be required to put in another 30 cents or so. It was all gone now.
John cut right through the Old Market and felt a familiar prickle in the air as he did. No matter when he walked through the Old Market – day or night, he felt something around him. He felt eyes on him but nothing had ever presented itself. What it was, John was not entirely sure.
The Coles car park was nearly empty apart from employees’ cars, and John walked to the opposite end of the comparatively well-lit space to find Kane waiting by the small pedestrian entrance to Park Street.
“Hey,” Kane was still in his work shirt but had a light jumper over the top.
“Hi,” John felt nervous.
“Let’s go for a walk around Queens Park and then I can drop you home?” Kane had already started walking up and out onto Park Street.
John followed without a word.
The park was devoid of people like the rest of the area. People were in their homes doing family things or getting ready to go to work, school, or who knows what. The air was cool and carried the smell of leaves, wood, and nighttime moisture. The darkness engulfing the park was periodically broken by the lamps surrounding the lake and the moon hanging above and giving the everything a silver glow.
“So you’re going? Where was it again?” Kane asked after a long silence.
“I’m going to Japan. I’ll be back, but yeah… I’m leaving.”
“Wow… why though?” He stopped and looked at John.
“Well…I’ve always wanted to go, and long story short, my parents’ friends moved back there and said I could stay with them for a few months so it’ll be really cheap.” John felt himself needing to justify what he was being asked.
Kane chuckled, “Nah, nah, I was just asking. That’s really cool.”
“They eat sushi over there, right?”
“Among other things.” John laughed and rolled his eyes.
Kane smiled, and John realized he was only able to get a proper look at Kane just now. His stubble was brown in some spots and white-blonde ginger in others. His eyes were a light brown, which seemed even more striking against his darker hair. Kane was a little taller than John and seemed athletic judging by the way his clothes hugged his shape. There was no other way about it; Kane was a hottie.
“It’s a shame because I won’t be able to do this with you much longer.” Kane swiftly moved right in and kissed John deeply. The electric feeling spread through John’s body more intensely than it did before.
John kissed back now and between the two, it was a battle of passion. Pushing onto one another against a tree off the path and veiled by the night.
The two wordlessly continued, and Kane’s hands began to move around John’s body and towards his pants. He slipped his hands underneath John’s pants and gently grabbed.
“Fuck, you’re so wet. That’s hot as,” Kane said through his panting.
Kane took John’s hand and directed it downward, where John felt what seemed to be something particularly long and thick, much bigger than his own. John slipped his hand into Kane’s pants to touch it properly; it was warm, almost hot like some living thing. Kane circled his finger over the tip of John’s wet head and slightly under the foreskin.
John pulled back for a moment as his knees weakened in ecstasy.
They kissed some more before John felt Kane’s hand on the top of his head applying downward pressure, “You wanna taste it?”
John nodded wordlessly and let Kane’s hand push him down.
Kane undid his pants and whipped it out in front of John’s face.
It was huge. It looked bigger than it felt in his hand, and John didn’t even know how to approach it.
He looked up at Kane wordlessly. Kane smiled, “Don’t worry, if its too much, just stop at any time.”
With one hand, Kane held himself, dripping wet; he stroked it so the foreskin moved back and forth over the head. With his other hand, he guided John’s head closer to him and moved it towards his mouth. John opened up and felt it slide in.
The taste was sweet and salty; there was the slightest musty smell, and John was unsure what to do but made sure he moved his tongue over gently and avoided his teeth getting involved.
Kane moaned.
John kept going. It didn’t seem so hard, but he could feel his jaw becoming tired, and in the back of his mind, he was also worried that they would be caught. He looked around for a moment, but the park was just as deserted as it was before.
“Don’t worry. I’m keeping a lookout. Keep going; I’m getting close,” Kane said from above.
His grip on John’s head became firmer, and his thrusts became deeper and slightly more frequent. John felt saliva dripping down as it moved in and out of his mouth with increasing intensity. This continued for a time and in the midst of it all, John was hoping he didn’t start gagging and coughing but he seemed to be fine.
Kane’s movements quickened again and his body seemed to tense up as he yelled “Fuck, I’m gonna come!” One last deep thrust, and John felt a warm burst inside his mouth as Kane erupted with an intensity that shook his whole body. There was so much, and John felt that he would either have to swallow it or spit it out; Kane didn’t seem finished yet, so John just swallowed it down.
It was bitter, it was sweet and a little bit salty. Above all of that, it was thick and warm.
Kane stood motionless except for his heavy breathing, and John slowly stood up.
“That was amazing. You’re really good,” Kane was looking at John in disbelief.
“Actually, I’ve never done it before.”
“Get fucked, are you serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know. I would have been a bit more romantic if I knew that!”
“Nah, I always wanted to, so I’m glad I could.”
“Woah, fuck, okay… orright, let me do you.” Kane got on his knees and unzipped John’s pants. John was still hard and wet.
“Is this a first too?”
John nodded and laughed awkwardly.
“Just relax and enjoy yourself.” Kane winked as he looked up at John.
Kane took John into his mouth. It was warm and soft. Kane’s tongue moved in, over, and around in a methodical pattern. It felt like Kane was trying to pull John further in as he did this, working on him to draw something. John’s eyes closed as he allowed himself to be drawn in further. As he did so, he felt something growing within him, with growing intensity it made him want to thrust further and grow the feeling. He wanted to let it out, and Kane was helping him. John put his hands around Kane’s head and felt his soft hair in his hands.
“I’m close!” John managed as he was taken over by the feeling. It was reaching a point, and he thought he might explode. Kane breathed deeply as he moved harder and faster.
John lost control as his body exploded with fireworks. He could feel himself erupting into Kane’s mouth. Kane drew something out of John that no one else had.
The feeling left, and John felt almost empty; his breathing was quick and sharp.
Kane stood up and kissed him, “How was that?”
“Yeah… good… wow!”
Kane laughed before he stood up and pulled John into a long embrace.
After the two cleaned up, they continued their walk around the lake.
“I’m pretty new to this myself, so I haven’t really been with many guys. Why is this just your first time?”
“Oh, I’ve never really been popular, so no one had ever really shown an interest in me.”
“That’s fucked, and it’s their loss. You’re a sexy guy, and you need to believe that you are.” Kane looked deeply into John as he said this.
John felt like he wanted to say something but couldn’t, didn’t.
The two continued on in silence for a short time.
Queens Park was still at that moment. Ducks hidden away from view chattered in hushed tones. The moon still floated wordlessly in the sky, watching over two souls sharing a moment together.
“I saw this fortune teller a few weeks back; she told me I was going to disappear, and then last week out of the blue, Mum and Dad told me I’m going to Japan.” John stopped for a moment and wondered why he was telling Kane this, but he felt like he needed to share it, “Anyway, since that time, I’ve been having the most weird experiences. I feel like I have nothing left to do here, and the world I exist within now knows that too, so it’s pushing me out.”
Verbalizing it made it sound even more absurd, but John also felt relieved to have told someone.
Kane paused for a moment, gazing up at the moon before turning his attention to something in the trees. “Did you ever play video games? Do you play video games?” he asked suddenly. His face looked serious, almost solemn.
“Here and there. What about you?” John replied, intrigued by Kane’s change in demeanor.
“I’m not making small talk, don’t worry. You know when you get to a certain point in the game, you’ve solved a problem or beaten one of the big bosses?” Kane continued.
“Yeah,” John nodded, following Kane’s lead.
“You know how with some games, when you’ve done that, you can kind of freely explore every part of the game up until that point? You can do that, but the next stage is waiting for you somewhere, and you need to find it so you can progress,” Kane explained.
John listened intently, absorbing Kane’s analogy. They stood on the opposite side from where they had shared their physical moment, contemplating Kane’s words.
“You going away is like moving to the next part of the game, your life. You’ve completed this level, and until you move on, you walk around this level, and things kind of seem jarring and awkward,” Kane elaborated.
John didn’t expect such profound insights from Kane, but then again, he didn’t know what to expect. Their only interaction before this had been an exchange of saliva on the dance floor.
“So right now, everything and everyone around me is reacting as if to say, ‘Hey, what are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be somewhere else?'” John mused.
“Yeah… but maybe only where your business is finished, so to speak. I think we were meant to meet tonight, and that’s why it worked out the way it did,” Kane offered.
“So this is our business then?” John questioned, seeking clarification.
“Well, it’s not business, but maybe we just need to experience certain things with certain people in certain ways, and that’s it. Neither you nor I control this, John. It’s bigger than us,” Kane concluded.
John understood, or at least he thought he did. It was a lot to process, but it made sense. Not everything had completely sunk in.
“Well, I’m glad it was with you,” John admitted, a small smile forming on his lips.
“Same,” Kane replied, returning the smile.
The two fell into a comfortable silence as they walked back to the car park. It wasn’t awkward, and at times, John didn’t even realize Kane was there. This wasn’t just an experience John had to have; it was an experience Kane had to have too.
If everyone was playing the game of life, then everyone was the hero of their own story. Kane was right; this was bigger than just one person. What impact did John have on Kane’s story? Was it obvious either way? He didn’t know, and he didn’t even feel like he could ask.
As they drove, the streets were quiet, and shops were closed. Kane’s radio didn’t work, and John wound down the window to feel the rush of air on his face. Closing his eyes, he imagined what lay ahead of him, embracing the unknown with a sense of anticipation.
When they arrived at John’s home, Kane leaned in to kiss him. They lingered for a moment before parting.
“Thank you, honestly,” Kane said softly.
John nodded. “Same here. I’m really glad I got to see you before I leave.”
Kane smiled, and John got out of the car. Leaning down to the passenger window, he waved silently as Kane drove away, disappearing into the night.
The street was quiet, nothing moved, and there was very little sound, just the low whoosh of the freeway in the distance.
John quietly opened the security door, heavily leaning as he pushed the handle down. The house felt warm, the air thicker. He moved silently over the carpet, avoiding the part of the floor that creaked and then gliding over the timber floor in the living area toward his room.
John lay on his bed in the dark, his heart pounding heavily, eyes wide as the memories of the night flickered in the darkness before him.
He felt lighter than he did before, so light that he might float up into the air at that very moment.
Drifting off into a deep sleep, John found himself in a forest near the mountains, the air was cold and he sensed someone next to him. He turned to look and see who it was and felt a sense of calm wash over him. John laughed, “Oh, it’s you!”
By the time John woke up he would forget the most important details of the dream. He would be frustrated with himself that he couldn’t remember who was always appearing next to him.
At this point in time, John wasn’t mean to know who was next to him the whole time during those brief glimpses into this other world.
The red strings had adjusted slightly again.
Urban Solitude 